Pause Button

For almost 2 years Nick & I have been consumed with starting a family. It's almost like we hit a pause button... we haven't done certain things or gone certain places because it could fall around an insemination time or an important appointment. After being told we have less than 1% chance of becoming pregnant, I felt totally ripped off... we paused everything for nothing. I picked up second jobs this past summer to help with the financial burden and didn't enjoy a much deserved summer break.

I notice we still do this-now it's just with money we work hard for. We better not buy that because we need to save, we better not redo that because we need money for IVF...

It's all a vicious cycle. We've decided to start living in the now... no more pausing. We will always have each other regardless of how much money we have and that is a blessing in itself.

To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have. ~Ken S. Keyes, Jr

Clubs

I've never been a huge fan of clubs... especially now. I feel like I can't belong to a club that most of my friends are in... the "I have kids club". People do not intend to leave others out (I think), but it is a given with this club. Because Nick & I do not have kids we are automatically not included in these things:

* Going to kid places like Jumping Janes

*Going trick or treating

*Discussions centered around kids (what they're getting for Christmas, what they're wearing for a family photo, activities their kids are doing, etc.)

*Going to parties, cookouts, bonfires, park dates because their kids play together

It is a very elite club. I just hope friends are patient and do not forget about us... we want to join your club and be a part of your conversations and activities.

Christmas

A quote I found that summed up Christmas for me this year : "Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times." ~Kate L. Bosher

Maybe it's the fact that I have a void in my heart & life right now... there's something about having children around the holidays that makes them more fun and relevant.

Maybe it's the fact that all traditions are no more. Divorce and addictions have put a damper on the holidays. I long for simplicity, routine and tradition. I miss knowing that on Christmas Eve the schedule goes as follows: church, grandma Clara's, grandma Katie's, bed. Then on Christmas: wake up early, wake Josh & Abe, eat breakfast as a family (cinnamon rolls, eggs), open gifts, go to Papa Ray's and eat.

It didn't help that Nick worked on Christmas, my dad was super crabby, and Abe wasn't around. I couldn't help but think I'd be more into the holidays if we had a little one running around, if there was someone younger than 20 to be excited about gifts.

I am relieved the holidays are over and am looking forward to what 2011 has in store for us. No matter what happens, I need to be grateful I have Nick in my life and by my side.

Party of 2

Being a party of 2 isn't so bad if the other person in your party is a rock star... Nick has been so wonderful through all of this. He always knows what to say, knows when to just listen, and makes sure I am taken care of...

Some days I am fine with it just being us two. Other days I am consumed with an empty feeling. My new mantra is PBP (Pray & Be Positive)... it's easier said than done. I always pray that Nick & I can afford IVF... just recently some unexpected money has come our way. It came just in time... our appointment is in three days. Not every prayer is answered right away, but there has been a few that have been answered. Please continue to pray that Nick & I are alright financially and that eventually we will be blessed with a child.

Geen Eyed Monster

While waiting at an appointment I was reading an article out of the Conceive magazine. It was titled: Pregnancy Envy. It focused on feelings women had while going through infertility. It made me feel much better and helped me realize most of the emotions I'm feeling are normal. It also made me realize that I handle this better than a lot of others. One of my favorite quotes: "There was definitely a green-eyed monster that came out when I saw someone on Facebook announcing they were expecting." I do not get that crazy, but I do feel awful and worthless when others get pregnant with no issues or trouble. It is a lonely feeling... seeing someone achieve the only thing I want.