Quote

While reading magazines, books, signs I keep a journal of quotes and prayers that catch my eye and relate to my life. A recent quote I found:

"You have to be willing to give up the life you planned to have the life that's waiting for you."

Before I knew this quote, I knew this to be true. My mom could have been the author of this quote. She has had many bumps in her road, yet always manages to come out stronger. I know she never planned on being divorced from my dad, but she knew the time had come. Now her life is the life that was waiting for her.

I always planned on having children easily and when I was ready. I planned on when I wanted them and how I wanted them spaced. Goodbye plan! That is not in the cards for us... we don't have the luxury of taking ovulation kits and getting pregnant in one shot, we don't have the luxury of spacing our kids to our old plan, we don't have the luxury of getting pregnant the "natural" way. But, we do have the luxury of knowing that our marriage can withstand anything and that we will not be broken. I have accepted the life that's waiting for me and I know good things will come.

Magnet

We were at a family gathering and I was looking around for Nick. I spotted him in a corner with all the kids... I should not have been surprised. He is a kid magnet. They are naturally drawn to him. Seeing him interact with kids makes my heart smile. Such an amazing person with an amazing attitude. Someday I will see him with kids of our own. In the meantime, I am blessed to know he'll be a great dad.

Grief

–noun

1.

keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss;sharp sorrow; painful regret.

2.

a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.

I never knew it was possible to grieve something/someone that does not exist. I am grieving over a child I have never met. I have grieved before and found that over time, the pain lessened and the void was filled. That is not the case when a person longs for a child. It is not the type of pain that time heals. A favorite quote of mine: "Time heals what reason cannot." This whole infertility situation is the only time that quote has seemed like BS. There is a void in my heart, in my being.

Strength In Pain

My favorite brother in law got me a cd for Christmas- Mumford & Sons. One of the songs (The Cave) has a lyric that has helped me through all of the shots, pokes, ultrasounds, and emotional pain. The lyric is: "I will find strength in pain". When I find myself dreading or getting anxious about the shots or upcoming appointments I think of that song. I also think of Nick and all the strength he has. He has remained so positive and strong for me. There are some things I learned because of IVF:

1. I am stronger than I thought emotionally & physically....it's crazy how much a body/soul can handle.

2. I am resilient... I have bounced back so many times after so many stumbles and I try to keep a smile on my face.

3. I am married to the most amazing person... to him I will forever be grateful.

4. How I want to treat people... never will I compare anyone's situation to another's. So many people have commented that they understand what we're going through and that they know people who have given themselves shots because of other reasons. I'll tell you what- IVF shots are not like other shots. The emotional baggage that comes with IVF is no way comparable to other things. Unless someone has gone through IVF, they have no clue what we're feeling or dealing with.

Yikes

Nick & I went to Iowa City to learn how to do the injections and to pick up all of my medication. I am very thankful Nick has a background with needles... I don't think I could give myself shots. My nerves would get the best of me. The teaching went great...

We headed down to the pharmacy with a huge list of all the medications. The nurse told us to give that list to the pharmacy and they would check off everything to be sure I had it all. After a long wait, huge bill & a big bag full of medicine we headed on our way. Two days later, I would be starting my shots.

The day the injections were to start was the day of an awful snowstorm, so I was going to be off from work. Nick had to stay at the firehouse because of the storm. He would be home before I needed my 1st shot. I started to look through all the paperwork to be sure I had everything ready for Nick when he finally got home. I searched and searched for the drug (leuprolide) I needed. I thought maybe it was under a different name because I couldn't find it anywhere. Once I was sure I didn't have it, I called my mom and Nick in a panic. Nick was going to come home and my mom was on her way.

In the meantime, I made myself sick 3 times... I was so worried, nervous, scared and sick about not having the drug I needed.

Timing is so crucial with IVF...it was too late to call the hospital, so we started calling every pharmacy around our area. We found out this drug is on shortage and very hard to get. No one around us carries this drug. The Iowa City pharmacy doesn't even have it and they do IVF. We finally gave up and prayed this wouldn't throw the whole cycle.

I didn't sleep well. Got up and called Iowa City and the nurse reassured me everything would be alright. She put an order in and said it would be at my house in 2 days and it wouldn't mess anything up... THANK GOD!

It came when she said it would from a place in Texas that specializes in IVF drugs. Never have I been so worked up about anything that I got sick. It made me realize just how emotionally draining this situation is. It also made me realize how blessed I am to have such a supportive & strong mom and husband. They were determined to figure this fluke out.

Pause Button

For almost 2 years Nick & I have been consumed with starting a family. It's almost like we hit a pause button... we haven't done certain things or gone certain places because it could fall around an insemination time or an important appointment. After being told we have less than 1% chance of becoming pregnant, I felt totally ripped off... we paused everything for nothing. I picked up second jobs this past summer to help with the financial burden and didn't enjoy a much deserved summer break.

I notice we still do this-now it's just with money we work hard for. We better not buy that because we need to save, we better not redo that because we need money for IVF...

It's all a vicious cycle. We've decided to start living in the now... no more pausing. We will always have each other regardless of how much money we have and that is a blessing in itself.

To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have. ~Ken S. Keyes, Jr

Clubs

I've never been a huge fan of clubs... especially now. I feel like I can't belong to a club that most of my friends are in... the "I have kids club". People do not intend to leave others out (I think), but it is a given with this club. Because Nick & I do not have kids we are automatically not included in these things:

* Going to kid places like Jumping Janes

*Going trick or treating

*Discussions centered around kids (what they're getting for Christmas, what they're wearing for a family photo, activities their kids are doing, etc.)

*Going to parties, cookouts, bonfires, park dates because their kids play together

It is a very elite club. I just hope friends are patient and do not forget about us... we want to join your club and be a part of your conversations and activities.

Christmas

A quote I found that summed up Christmas for me this year : "Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times." ~Kate L. Bosher

Maybe it's the fact that I have a void in my heart & life right now... there's something about having children around the holidays that makes them more fun and relevant.

Maybe it's the fact that all traditions are no more. Divorce and addictions have put a damper on the holidays. I long for simplicity, routine and tradition. I miss knowing that on Christmas Eve the schedule goes as follows: church, grandma Clara's, grandma Katie's, bed. Then on Christmas: wake up early, wake Josh & Abe, eat breakfast as a family (cinnamon rolls, eggs), open gifts, go to Papa Ray's and eat.

It didn't help that Nick worked on Christmas, my dad was super crabby, and Abe wasn't around. I couldn't help but think I'd be more into the holidays if we had a little one running around, if there was someone younger than 20 to be excited about gifts.

I am relieved the holidays are over and am looking forward to what 2011 has in store for us. No matter what happens, I need to be grateful I have Nick in my life and by my side.

Party of 2

Being a party of 2 isn't so bad if the other person in your party is a rock star... Nick has been so wonderful through all of this. He always knows what to say, knows when to just listen, and makes sure I am taken care of...

Some days I am fine with it just being us two. Other days I am consumed with an empty feeling. My new mantra is PBP (Pray & Be Positive)... it's easier said than done. I always pray that Nick & I can afford IVF... just recently some unexpected money has come our way. It came just in time... our appointment is in three days. Not every prayer is answered right away, but there has been a few that have been answered. Please continue to pray that Nick & I are alright financially and that eventually we will be blessed with a child.

Geen Eyed Monster

While waiting at an appointment I was reading an article out of the Conceive magazine. It was titled: Pregnancy Envy. It focused on feelings women had while going through infertility. It made me feel much better and helped me realize most of the emotions I'm feeling are normal. It also made me realize that I handle this better than a lot of others. One of my favorite quotes: "There was definitely a green-eyed monster that came out when I saw someone on Facebook announcing they were expecting." I do not get that crazy, but I do feel awful and worthless when others get pregnant with no issues or trouble. It is a lonely feeling... seeing someone achieve the only thing I want.